Saturday, August 30, 2008

schooled on the bike

Went for an early morning bike ride today with a gang of tri-people. Started off really good...with the wind...chatting and visitng and feeling really super good. A few times my legs were saying "Are you kidding?" as I have been getting some harder runs in lately.
Anyway, as tradition goes with this group, we pedalled all the way to the Aberdeen train tracks and you MUST cross the tracks...I did not know this but did it, as anything to bring me good luck on the bike is needed in my world.
We turned around and holy crap wind!! I got dropped...twice...just when I think I am the shit, I am humbled once again. But this group was super kind enough to wait for me and one of the gals had just gotten back into the country and needed a break as she has not been on her bike for some time and I was secretly thanking her when she said it!!
I did get taught how to properly draft today. Scary. Too many wheels and too close together for me. There were only about 7 of us and I seriously do not know how a big group does this...I was concentrating and focusing really hard and noticed that my willingness to chat and visit had wained considerably. At one point, one of the gals says "Kelly. Kelly!!! KELLY!! Get over on THIS side of the white line! This is a bad accident waiting to happen!!" Oops. I had been trying to keep as close to the back wheel as I was told but did not really notice I was riding too far into the friggin road!! Enough drafting pracitse for me for one day!!
Garmin tells me we did about 52kms. So the positive I am taking away is it wasn't really all that bad and my average heart rate was not all that high so a decent workout before breakfast.

Friday, August 29, 2008

my legs are tired

Amongst all my "super" blogging...(get it?)...I HAVE been running.
Running like a maniac. Cause I have a half marathon to do in one week.
The workout yesterday was a tough one. Warm-up, then three times 8 minutes tempo...or as coach Justin puts it..."as fast as you can run for 8 minutes, then jog, walk, crawl for 4 minutes, get yourself mentally ready to do another one. Do that three times" So, I did it four times.
Why?
Cause I felt like it and I felt like running and do you ever have one of those days where you just feel really good and at the end of the 8 minutes your chest is heaving, your guts are wonky and your legs are crying for mercy? But it feels fantastico? This was me yesterday but BOY I feel it today!!
The good news in all this is that garmin told me after that during those 8 minutes I was holding between a 5:12 and a 5:25 per km pace.
Wha?
And I wasn't even running downhill!!
Three words for that run: totally, freaky, awesome

Thursday, August 28, 2008

OHHHH....MY....GAWD.....!!!!!!!!

I get to work today and there is an e-mail from Coach Justin.
I had sent him the pics of us in our silly costumes with a note "This is what some of your athletes were up to this weekend!!"
He thought they were awesome.

Apparently the pics made their way around the Carmichael Training offices.

Right onto the lap of the marketing person.

Who wants to use them on the Carmichael website...

My picture could possibly be within INCHES of Lance Armstrong's picture...and this folks is as close as I will EVER get.

Wha Ha Ha Ha Ha!!

LOVE IT!!

IMC Spectator Report

What a day it was!! Had a blast! Have had zero time to put this report together so here are the highlights:
  • Up really early to head to T-Ho's for breakfast and a coffee
  • Got to the hotel room just in time to watch the swim start. I had forgotten the detours in Penticton with all the gates etc up and had to re-route twice and ended up running for a whole mile, with my coffee spilling on my hand, carrying my bag, in flipflops.
  • Shannon and I got changed into our costumes...Grant did not want to walk downtown in his Superman costume.
  • Had our picture taken many, many times as we made our way to my brothers car
  • Got up to Yellow Lakes in good time and set things up...cooler, signs, lawn chairs.
  • Wasn't too long before the pros came by. WOW! They make it look so easy!!
  • The age groupers started to come by and then the fun started.
  • Was shocked at how many people walked their bikes up that hill.
  • Had a little cute girl want to "meet Wonder Woman"! She was so shy but crazy cute!
  • Had the newspapers take our picture and ask some details.
  • Saw all of our Saskatoon people and IronGreg (cheered for him but he was looking pretty focused), Julie (ran beside her for a bit asking how her ride was going...she said she needed lipgloss), then I saw Jenna as she was waving to Grant and he was running beside her.
  • I had told myself all day, DO NOT cry when you see Jenna!! That is all she needs is some blubbering idiot in her day. But I just could not help myself. I started to bawl!! She was doing amazing.
  • Right after she got up the hill, we packed up and headed back to town. Changed into my normal clothes and watched part of the run with some Saskatoon folks. Saw Kelsey and Jenna on the run again. Tried to run beside Jenna but she was hoofing it and I had to pee, so didn't want to "risk" things!!
  • My brother had to get back to his house in good time and I had to pick up my munchkins so we left Penticton as it was starting to rain just a bit.
  • Overall was a super fun day!

i'm fine....really...

First day of kindergarten today. I was good with it all. Took Matthew to school, walked him into the classroom, got him all organized with his school supplies etc. He was excited but kept it cool...just like his father...heaven's, don't show too much emotion. Anyway, hussled to work, had a meeting, got some paperwork done, drove back at lunch time to take him to daycare. I get there and he says "Mom, I want to walk with the kids. I don't want you to drive me."

Then the faucets let loose. I could hardly see walking to my car, alone, by myself, watching my 5 year old cross the street and head 3 blocks to the daycare. I bawled the entire way back downtown. Something is definitely wrong with me!

You want them to be little for so long and they want to grow up so fast.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Friday, August 22, 2008

the hills

Isn't there a television show with the same name?
We made it to BC...I have survived my mother...so far. I am spending the next two days with my Dad at his cabin right on Lake Okanagon...it is fabulous!!
Went for a run today and little bit of hill training on my holiday...why not? My bros gave me a route to run and holy moly hills. But got through it and ran well over an hour and didn't even get lost! I am starting to run a bit scared as I have that half marathon in just over two weeks. eek!
Back to Westbank for Saturday night and then on to Penticton Sunday morning to watch THE RACE!!
I am so EXCITED!! Gonna be a great day and the weather is looking like it is going to be very nice.

Monday, August 18, 2008

yippee skippy!!

Had a really good run today.

I found my legs again. Or maybe they found me. They were tired and cranky when we started but I ignored them and ended up running a solid 50 minutes.

Will try to post my spectator report from IMC. Not sure how much I will be blogging until next week...busy shopping and visiting...the weather is looking to be ideal. Thank goodness!! Was not sure how I was going to last the day in a velour wonderwoman outfit with knee high go-go boot covers. EEK!!

Gonna be a GREAT day!! To everyone in the race, good luck, have fun and good results to you all!!

Saturday, August 16, 2008

that dang front tire again!

Jumped on the bike today and was hoping to get a couple of hours in. Started from the drive in and headed down highway 5. Something told me to turn around at the church and head back to the car. It was windy and hot and tons of traffic on a Saturday morning. Got to the top of the last hill and went to shift gears and my chain came off. Got off the bike to deal with that and noticed my front tire was really low....like really, really low. Hobbled down that last big hill, riding my brakes the entire time...was surprised I didn't see smoke coming off of them!! But it beat walking my bike in the ditch with my bike shoes on. Made it to the car and home...only got about 40 minutes in. Oops.
This afternoon has been spent switching tires and tubes and fooling around with the bike. Just tinkering to see how things really work, what happens when I do this and that, swearing at my back tire trying to get in on and off.
My bike is old and crabby sometimes. It knows what it likes and I have learned how to deal with it....kind of like my children. Matthew (5) when he has water will only drink it if it is ice cold...will not touch juice or pop...not a bad thing, but I can't always get my hands on super cold water!! Luke (2) will only let his dad put him to bed and insists on sitting at the head of the table...will not sit anywhere else. He also will only wear his bike helmet, backwards and has recently taken to wearing his winter boots, everywhere.
I have learned patience and when to pick my battles!!

Friday, August 15, 2008

my western candian tour 2008

Added to the list today....Medicine Hat.

That's right we are coming to a town near you!! My mom called today and we are delivering my 94 year old grandmother to her sister's house in Medicine Hat next week. My grandma's mom died when she was 12 years old and she raised her 3 sisters on the farm. The only sister left is her youngest. And when they get together they are so cute, all giggly and chatty and gossipy!

Then we are onto Calgary to visit my crazyass sister. Crazy Auntie Bevin. That is what my kids call her. No children of her own and spoils mine rotten...LOVE IT! How much shopping will we do in two days? A whole shitload. That's how much! She knows all the good spots.

Then onto Kelowna and Vernon to visit my Dad and a few cousins. My bros lives in Westbank. He is cheering with us in Penticton on IMC race day. Look for two hot gals dressed up like WonderWoman and a Superman at the top of Yellow Lakes....that's us!

Three words for my 2008 tour: my, family, rocks!

Thursday, August 14, 2008

learn to run...again

What is with my running? I am awkward and slow and feel like I have had to learn this skill all over again. Went out today for 40 minutes. Honestly, I was HAPPY with 40 minutes as I have not lasted longer than about 30 since GWN. ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have just a few weeks to get my shit together for the half marathon in Regina, September 7.

No problem!

This means I HAVE to run when I am out in Penticton...which should not be difficult as all of the fit hard bodies will be out there for the race and I will be stumbling along trying to get an hour in here and there...but holy motivation!!

Three words for my run today: what, the, hell?

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

the offseason...

Welcome to my offseason.

I have one now!!

And I am addicted to the Olympics...up late, up early to watch...and why would I train, when THIS is on...


I kinda feel like Mrs. Robinson when I see these boys....

Three words for this post: holy, fit, hotties

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Habitat for Humanity

Yesteday I built a house.
Seriously.
Actually I worked on the roof of a house. It was super cool and super fun! It was a women's build so the entire house is being built by women...I hammered nails like a pro yesterday...my right arm is friggin sore...and I am sunburnt. I even cut wood, climbed up and down that ladder (with tired legs!), learned some new words, got a recipe for crab apple moonshine.

Three words to describe my day: community, ow!, four (40 ounces of vodka, 4 cups of sugar, 4 weeks...in a pail full of crab apples...hmmm)

the official results...

Last year:
Swim: 29.02
Bike: 2:28.56
Run: 1:28.58
Overall: 4:33

THIS YEAR:
Swim: 23.28 - second in age group...a friggin half a step behind Jenna!!
Bike: 2:15.49 - includes transitions and that second one was tough...super shaky legs, had to sit in the grass to get shoes on, took longer than it probably should have!!
Run: 1:21 - yak
Overall: 4:00.57

Three words to describe this race: hot, tired, PB

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Frank Dunn Race Report

Well..there was more good about the day than bad...but still some bad which is crappy.
Stayed with Jenna in the RV, very nice and comfortable! THANK-YOU Jenna! Much appreciated. Up at the crack of dawn and had my bagel and banana and grapefruit. Puttered around the RV getting things organized and that would include Jenna's children. Then it started to pour rain just as we were leaving the RV for the beach. This made me seriously grumpy. But when we arrived at the beach, the rain had stopped and you could see the clear skies coming. Hooray!! Wandered around the transition area and got my timing chip and body marked. We did not have alot of time to spare but it appears I have my systems down for this sport!! Not like last year when I was totally frazzled and panicked and freaking out. So this was good. Went into the water for a warm up swim...everyone else warmed up, I just stood around in waist deep water. Have never been much for warming up for the swim!! Positioned myself way to the left of the group right in front. The horn went off and away we went. The swim course is a T and a tight left turn at the first bouy...I ducked under and swam UNDER the bouy!! Not sure if this was legal but nobody touched me and I had clear water for most of swim!! Caught a pack about halfway and assumed that someone was sighting properly...nope!! I looked up once and OMG we were WAY off course!! RATS!! Rounded the last bouy and swam right up next to Jenna...I was going to pinch her but not sure if she would feel it through the wet suit!
Onto the bike. This is what the day was for me...a really good bike ride. Last year I was scared to death to get on that bike...62km was like an eternity...at the end my back and neck and legs and butt were spent. This year, I had made my mind up I was going to pedal that bike like I was being chased...which is not far from the truth, actually!! I had a really good ride!! I don't know exactly what my time was but I am sure I took a whole chunk off from last year. Felt good and strong the whole way. Still got passed by too many people but I think that is just going to be the reality of my triathlon life. The course went through town about half way and I slowed right down as I knew Jenna was worried about leaving her kids so I wanted to look for them...once a mom, you are also the surrogate mom for all your friend's kids. I did not see them...but one of my tri-buddies passed me right after that and she asked why I had slowed down and to save her the story, I told her I was looking for the cameras!! Ha Ha!!
Anyway, the highway out there was super rough and I saw many, many with flat tires. So the triathlon gods were looking after me today in that respect.
Then came my horrid run. Okay, it wasn't horrid but close. I was pleased with my bike ride, started the run, found my legs at about the 3km mark, started to feel really good. Then about the half way mark, I did not feel like running anymore...I cannot explain it any better than this...I was not sick, nothing really hurt, I was tired but I had just pedalled 62km as hard as I could, my head just turned off. Jenna caught me and we ran together for a bit and then she took off on me and I walked a good chunk of that last half. I was disgusted with this!! And when things aren't going my way, I tend to pout and feel really bad for myself and then my mental state just hits the toilet. But I have analysed this a bit more and I had said the most important thing was the bike ride...I got that done. I did run a pretty solid 6.5km...that must count for something!!?? I have not ran for very long since the half ironman in July...I guess this would be important in hindsight. I wasn't even going to do this race...just not into it but I did something that just one year ago I was terrified to do. It was a gorgeous day, I knocked about 15-20 minutes off my time from last year...overall a pretty good day!! Will post the official times when I get them.
Jenna had a great day...but will let her tell you all about it...her Dad will be super proud!!

Thursday, August 7, 2008

For all of you doing IRONMAN

Right now you've all entered the taper.
Perhaps you've been at this a few months, perhaps you've been at this a few years. For some of you this is your first IM, for others, a long-overdue welcome back to a race that few can match. You've been following your schedule to the letter. You've been piling on the mileage, piling up the laundry, and getting a set of tan lines that will take until next year to erase. Long rides were followed by long runs, which both were preceded by long swims, all of which were followed by recovery naps that were longer than you slept for any given night during college.
You ran in the snow.
You rode in the rain.
You ran in the heat.
You ran in the cold.
You went out when others stayed home.
You rode the trainer when others pulled the covers over their heads.
You have survived the Darwinian progression that is an Ironman summer, and now the hardest days are behind you. Like a climber in the Tour de France coming over the summit of the penultimate climb on an alpine stage, you've already covered so much ground...there's just one more climb to go.
You shift up, you take a drink, you zip up the jersey; the descent lies before you...and it will be a fast one. Time that used to be filled with never-ending work will now be filling with silent muscles, taking their final, well-earned rest. While this taper is something your body desperately needs, your mind cast off to the background for so very long, will start to speak to you.
It won't be pretty. It will bring up thoughts of doubt, pain, hunger, thirst, failure, and loss. It will give you reasons why you aren't ready. It will try and make one last stand to stop you, because your brain doesn't know what the body already does.
Your body knows the truth:
You are ready.
Your brain won't believe it. It will use the taper to convince you that this is foolish - that there is too much that can go wrong. You are ready. Finishing an Ironman is never an accident. It's the result of dedication, focus, hard work, and belief that all the long runs in January, long rides in April, and long swims every damn weekend will be worth it. It comes from getting on the bike, day in, day out. It comes from long, solo runs. From that first long run where you wondered, "How will I ever be ready?" to the last long run where you smiled to yourself with one mile to go...knowing that you'd found the answer.
It is worth it.
Now that you're at the taper, you know it will be worth it. The workload becomes less. The body winds up and prepares, and you just need to quiet your worried mind. Not easy, but you can do it.
You are ready.
You will walk into the water with 2000 other wide-open sets of eyes. You will look upon the sea of humanity, and know that you belong. You'll feel the chill of the water crawl into your wetsuit, and shiver like everyone else, but smile because the day you have waited for so VERY long is finally here.
You will tear up in your goggles.
Everyone does. The helicopters will roar overhead. The splashing will surround you. You'll stop thinking about Ironman, because you're now racing one. The swim will be long - it's long for everyone, but you'll make it. You'll watch as the shoreline grows and grows, and soon you'll hear the end. You'll come up the beach and head for the wetsuit strippers. Three people will get that sucker off before you know what happening, then you’ll head for the bike. The voices, the cowbells, and the curb-to-curb chalk giving you a hero's sendoff can't wipe the smile off your face.You'll settle down to your race. The crowds will spread out on the road. You'll soon be on your bike, eating your food on your schedule, controlling your Ironman. You'll start to feel that morning sun turn to afternoon sun.
It's warmer now.
Maybe it's hot.
Maybe you're not feeling so good now.
You'll keep riding.
You'll keep drinking.
You'll keep moving.
After all, this is just a long training day with valet parking and catering, right?
You'll put on your game face, fighting the urge to feel down as you ride for what seems like hours. You reach special needs, fuel up, and head out. By now it'll be hot. You'll be tired. Doubts will fight for your focus. Everyone struggles here. You've been on that bike for a few hours, and stopping would be nice, but you won't - not here. Not today. You'll grind the false flats to the climb. You'll know you're almost there. You'll fight for every inch of road. The crowd will come back to you here. Let their energy push you. Let them see your eyes. Smile when they cheer for you - your body will get just that little bit lighter.
Grind.
Fight.
Suffer.
Persevere.
You'll plunge down the road, swooping from corner to corner, chaining together the turns, tucking on the straights, letting your legs recover for the run to come - soon! You'll roll back - you'll see people running out. You'll think to yourself, "Wasn't I just here?" The noise will grow. The chalk dust will hang in the air - you're back, with only 26.2 miles to go. You'll relax a little bit, knowing that even if you get a flat tire or something breaks here, you can run the damn bike into T2. You'll roll into transition. 100 volunteers will fight for your bike. You'll give it up and not look back. You'll have your bag handed to you, and into the tent you'll go.
You'll change.
You'll load up your pockets, and open the door to the last long run of your Ironman summer - the one that counts. You'll take that first step of a thousand...and you'll smile. You'll know that the bike won't let you down now - the race is down to your own two feet. The same crowd that cheered for you in the shadows of the morning will cheer for you in the brilliant sunshine of a summer Sunday. High-five people on the way out.
Smile.
Enjoy it.
This is what you've worked for all year long. That first mile will feel great. So will the second. By mile 3, you probably won't feel so good. That's okay. You knew it couldn't all be that easy. You'll settle down just like you did on the bike, and get down to your pace. You'll see the leaders coming back the other way. Some will look great - some won't. You might feel great, you might not. No matter how you feel, don't panic - this is the part of the day where whatever you're feeling, you can be sure it won't last.
You'll keep moving.
You'll keep drinking.
You'll keep eating.
Maybe you'll be right on plan - maybe you won't. If you're ahead of schedule, don't worry - believe. If you're behind, don't panic - roll with it. Everyone comes up with a brilliant race plan for Ironman, and then everyone has to deal with the reality that planning for something like Ironman is like trying to land a man on the moon. By remote control. Blindfolded. How you react to the changes in your plan will dictate your day. Don't waste energy worrying about things - just do what you have to when you have to, and keep moving. Keep eating. Keep drinking. Just don't sit down - don't EVER sit down. You'll make it to the halfway point. You'll load up on special needs. Some of what you packed will look good, some won't. Eat what looks good, toss the rest. Keep moving. Start looking for people you know. Cheer for people you don't. You're headed in - they're not. They want to be where you are, just like you wanted to be when you saw all those fast people headed into town. Share some energy - you'll get it right back. Run if you can. Walk if you have to. Just keep moving. The miles will drag on. The brilliant sunshine will yawn. You'll be coming up to those aid stations fully alive with people, music, and chicken soup.
TAKE THE SOUP.
Keep moving. You'll soon only have a few miles to go. You'll start to believe that you're going to make it. You'll start to imagine how good it's going to feel when you get there. Let those feelings drive you on. When your legs just don't want to move anymore, think about what it's going to be like when someone catches you…and puts a medal over your head... all you have to do is get there. You'll start to hear the people in town. People you can't see in the twilight will cheer for you. They'll call out your name. Smile and thank them. They were there when you left on the bike, and when you came back, and when you left on the run, and now when you've come back. You'll enter town. You'll start to realize that the day is almost over. You'll be exhausted, wiped out, barely able to run a 10-minute mile (if you're lucky), but you'll ask yourself, "Where did the whole day go?" You'll be standing on the edge of two feelings - the desire to finally stop, and the desire to take these last moments and make them last as long as possible. You'll hit mile 25. Your Ironman will have 1.2 miles - just 2KM left in it. You'll run. You'll find your legs. You'll fly. You won't know how, but you will run. The lights will grow brighter, brighter, and brighter. Soon you'll be able to hear the music again. This time, it'll be for keeps. Soon they'll see you. Soon, everyone will see you. You'll run towards the lights, between the fences, and into the night sun made just for you. They'll say your name. You'll keep running. Nothing will hurt. The moment will be yours - for one moment, the entire world will be looking at you and only you. You'll break the tape at the finish line, 140.6 miles after starting your journey. The flash will go off. You'll stop. You'll finally stop. Your legs will wobble their last, and suddenly...be capable of nothing more. Someone will catch you. You'll lean into them.
It will suddenly hit you.
YOU ARE AN IRONMAN!
You are ready.
You are ready.

thursday bike ride

Got up and on the bike today for an hour. Had a really good ride!! Was thinking about the event this weekend up at Waskesiu and I was not too thrilled about doing it to be frank. But yesterday I got a call from a guy that is doing it for his first time on Sunday. He is SO excited and so pumped and had a million and one questions for me....what is the course like, what do I eat, when do I eat, where is the package pickup, where are you staying....etc. It was fun talking to him and we had some good laughs and now I am excited (again) to head up there. If Jenn decides to go, I think I may take her up on her offer to bunk in the RV....if she does not decide to go, I will stay at the cabin...by myself...which totally freaks me out...cause I watched the movie "Signs" last week when I was up there with my kids and oh...my...gosh...I don't think I will sleep a wink if I am there all alone!!! "Swing, Merrill...SWING!!" I can't get that line out of my head...
And I said I had no expectations, but me being me, of course I have some things I want to get done. The biggest one is that I want to knock my bike split from last year outta the park. I feel like I have not really biked as hard as I can pedal in any of my races this year. Spin in June was the day after my first 100 ride....Stony Plain was a conservative effort because I was scared to death about crashing on the run...so on Sunday, I want to see how fast I can ride 60km...if I have to walk and puke my way through the run... I don't care!! Let's see what these legs have learned over the year!!

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

I JUST SIGNED UP FOR....

IRONMAN CALGARY 70.3

Finally!! A really good run.

Running and I have made peace again. Had a really great run this morning. The sun was shining, it was a gorgeous day. Got up in lots of time, did some stretching, puttered around the house and off I went. I had had a really good talk with Jenn last night and she told me all about her Dad's accident. Holy moly...do you believe in miracles? Well have her tell you the story and you will. So I dedicated my run today to Dr. Gordon Sparks. When I thought it was getting hard, I would think about him at the hospital and everything he has been through the last few days and my legs would feel better. We were discussing the upcoming triathlon this weekend and I am just not into it and she has so much going on in her world but then we agreed "We are so LUCKY that we can even do a triathlon!!" And I thought about that all morning today. So, once again, I have zero expectations for this weekend...enjoy the day. That's it.

Saturday, August 2, 2008

OMG!! Went for a bike ride today!

That's right folks...I jumped on the bike and got a really good 2 hour ride in. Drove out to the drive in and started from there. Biked to Clavet and back. Dare I say it was...it was...f-f-fun...? Was a beautiful morning, not a cloud in the sky, nobody out there, had the road to myself, was a good couple of hours. Interesting how just one year ago, that ride would have been unthinkable. Now I got it in before breakfast. And to totally make my day, I went to Broadway and one of the cool stores there was selling ALL of their kids sandals for half price. Picked up shoes for next summer for the munchkins.
One week till the Frank Dunn Tri up at Waskesiu. Had seriously considered just bailing as I have not been in a triathlon frame of mind for the last few weeks. Too much other stuff going on. Going to run tomorrow morning, have not had a good run for quite awhile. Have no idea what the problem is, no injuries, nothing sore, just don't feel like running. Next week will be interesting as my goals are to beat my bike split from last year (which seriously, should not be a problem) and run the entire 13km. Or most of it. We walked quite a bit of the run last year so if I can do those two things, i should be able to blow my time from last year outta the water!!

Friday, August 1, 2008

found this somewhere...FUNNY!!!

Mothers, Don't Let Your Children Grow Up To Be Triathletes
Lee Gruenfeld offers up yet another hilarious column ... parents, take note!

Ah, just kidding. Of course you should let your children grow up to be triathletes. It's just the kind of thing you want for the little tykes. The benefits are too numerous to count. Okay, not really...you can count them on one hand. But you know what I mean. For one thing, people at that level of fitness live longer lives. That means your kids can take care of you in your old age instead of becoming as lame and useless as you are. For another, triathlon will teach them discipline and self-control. That means a whole lot fewer evenings spent waiting by the phone wondering if you're going to have enough cash on hand to cover bail when "The Call" comes. A felony to a teenage triathlete is eating an ice cream cone during race season.Your children will be held up as shining examples for the rest of their peer group, which will also reflect well on you, since they will doubtless do better and accomplish more in the sport than you ever did, you not having had parents like you to provide encouragement and guidance. That such overtaking achievement often causes major stress in the parent-child relationship shouldn't daunt you in the slightest, because your kids will probably be able to thrash you with one hand so stress will be the least of your problems.

But bringing your children up as triathletes shouldn't be left to chance. There is much preparatory work to be done even before they enter their first sprint. If the acorn doesn't fall far from the tree, then T1 shouldn't be too far from the kitchen. Here with, some tips to help point the young 'uns in the right direction and get their minds squared away for the "transition to the transition," as it were.

Enroll your kids in a school that is exactly 6.55 miles away. Inform the school bus company that you will not be requiring their services, as your children will walk, just as God intended. Inform your children that you will not be fixing them PB&Js or bologna-on-a-shingle wrapped in wax paper, as they will be walking home for lunch. Thus will they understand the rigors of the marathon and yet no longer be cowed by it, as they will have done one a day, five days a week throughout the entire school year. (For more advanced training, tell your kids they have exactly an hour-and-a-half for lunch…including walking time.Speaking of walking time: Make your kids eat standing up. Feed them nothing but Gatorade and astronaut-type food that has to be squeezed from plastic packages. (Advanced training: Make sure the stuff tastes like lizard urine laced with cleaning fluid.)

As soon as you wake your kids for school each day, body mark them. Tell the school authorities that this is for ID purposes in the event of a kidnapping. If they protest that the other kids use GPS-enabled iPods, let them know that your kids are forbidden to us iPods, or cell phones, for that matter, because they should be keeping their attention on the freakin' road, thank you very much.

The kids access to home computers should be strictly limited to calculating splits and registering for classes. Rig the software so that if they fail to register within ninety seconds of a class becoming available, they get closed out until next year.Revise the standard practice of learning a lot of words in a single foreign language. Rather, have your children learn a few useful phrases in several dozen languages.Examples:Pressure your school board into changing the typical shop class. Nobody needs to know how to make a candlestick or book holder anymore. They should teach tire changing, chain repair, titanium tube arc welding and emergency wheel truing using only Allen wrenches, Quikfills and Pry Babies. Speed should be favored above neatness. Like, way favored. Also make shop class mandatory for girls as well as boys.

No reason why bath time shouldn't be learning time. Bathe all your kids at once. Encouraging them to beat the hell out of each other. If you sense a lack of enthusiasm, invite a few neighborhood bullies to dive in. After the bath, give your kids sixty seconds to change and be ready for bed. Whoever's last gets no dinner.

Potty training: See "sixty second rule," above.

When your kids get old enough to go out alone at night (i.e., at eight years of age), force them to. But insist they wear glow sticks.

How to make a living: Have your kids sit in a steam room tearing up hundred dollar bills while calling people to ask for money for wearing their clothes or riding their bicycles. Kind of hard to explain so just trust me on this.Obviously, the above techniques only apply up to about the sixth grade. After that, it's time to really get tough, but that's a whole new protocol we'll cover another time.

Kelly's Favorite Quotes

  • You can quit and they don't care...but YOU will always know.
  • You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do. - Eleanor Roosevelt
  • "Always maintain composure and class. Hard work will yield results" - I live my life by this one
  • "Courage is the first of human qualities because it is the quality that guarantees all others." - One of my favorite historical figures
  • "Don't hug me Mom, you are all sweaty!" - My 5 year old
  • "You're gonna run a 1/2 marathon in February, in ski pants?"-My Co-Worker
  • "Go for it! Let us know what you need." - My Boss
  • "It ain't the man in the fight, it's the fight in the man." - My Dad
  • "You signed up for...what?" - My Spouse